Sleepless nights. Relentless worry. Endless sacrifice.
Limitless joy. Timeless memories. Boundless love.
Raising a child is one of life’s most challenging yet rewarding experiences, demanding both unwavering patience and unconditional devotion. In an era where parenting challenges abound, it is natural to wonder how to raise children who achieve lifelong health and happiness, moral integrity, and personal success.
During one of his 2024 Ashara Mubaraka sermons, His Holiness Syedna Mufaddal Saifuddin, leader of the worldwide Dawoodi Bohra Muslim community, drew an insightful parallel between learning the Holy Quran and the upbringing of children, reminding the congregation that children are among the greatest blessings bestowed upon us. Syedna quoted a statement of Imam Ali:
The sacredness of the Quran to Allah is like the sacredness of a parent to their child.
This powerful analogy likens the Quran, which we revere as sacred, to the role of a parent in a child's life. The comparison goes beyond the respect that children owe their parents; it describes the sacred responsibility held by parents—reminding us of the immense significance and lasting impact that our role as parents entails.
His Holiness highlighted essential principles of parenting, emphasising that raising children requires a delicate balance of freedom and discipline. Love, warmth, and affection are paramount, as well as clear boundaries and effective communication. With reflection and mindfulness, parents can embrace practices that nurture their children and instill lasting values.
A Cherished Responsibility
The Prophet Mohammed ﵆ stands as a paragon of parental love, as seen in his interactions with his grandsons, Imam Hasan and Imam Husain. In one instance, a man observed the Prophet during prayer, gently accommodating Imam Husain as he climbed on his grandfather's back during prostration. After he had completed his prayer, the man approached him with curiosity, commenting that the Prophet's behaviour towards children was very different from how he and others from his community treated theirs. The Prophet, with wisdom and gentleness, responded to the man, explaining that if he were to truly believe in Allah and embrace Islam, he too would be inclined to show love, mercy, and care for children. This interaction moved the observer to embrace Islam.
Such examples remind us that love is not merely a feeling; it is shown through actions that shape a child's character and faith. The sacrifices a parent makes are monumental, yet if these efforts are undermined by a lack of warmth and affection, children can drift away from their roots. When love is the foundation of children’s upbringing, parents can help them develop a sense of belonging and connection to their faith and identity.
As we learn from Fatimi philosophical texts, children start their journey as blank slates waiting to be inscribed upon. It is through mindful nurturing, care, and love that they progress and grow, physically, intellectually and spiritually.
Studies show that an environment of relationships is fundamental to shaping a child's brain, laying the groundwork for their future academic, emotional, and social growth. This is why being with primary caregivers—especially mothers—holds such significance, particularly in the first years of life. Healthy development occurs in the dynamic interaction between child and parent, where experiences are individualised to the child’s unique personality and potential. These relationships not only nurture the child’s sense of self but also cultivate the heart and mind, shaping the very essence of who they become.
His Holiness emphasised that parenting requires patience, understanding, and tolerance. Children’s behaviour—even adverse behaviour at times—often reflects natural development. Instead of being too controlling, a parent should aim to be a friend and guide, offering love and support. In doing so, they foster a supportive relationship built on trust, mutual respect, and understanding.
Rather than viewing parenting as a burden, Syedna counselled that it should be perceived as a source of joy and fulfilment. It should take precedence over other concerns, and time should be thoughtfully allocated to nurturing the child’s growth. Parents must prioritize quality time with their children, ensuring that it is spent in meaningful ways. Research shows that children who engage in regular family activities are more likely to exhibit positive behavioural traits and better emotional health.
Balanced Parenting: The Path to Nurturing Growth
A positive and balanced parenting style, characterised by compassionate support and clear boundaries, plays a crucial role in shaping a child's development. Research shows that this approach fosters cognitive growth, behavioural regulation, empathy, social skills, and coping strategies. Children raised in such environments tend to have higher self-esteem, better social competence, and improved emotional regulation, equipping them to navigate life's challenges more effectively.
Parents often struggle with being too strict or too lenient with children—should they be guided in a particular situation or allowed to figure it out? Recognising different parenting styles and their impacts on children's development helps us understand the outcomes of our parenting techniques:
- Authoritarian parenting, characterized by high demands and low warmth, prioritises obedience and strict rules, often resulting in anxious and withdrawn children who struggle with self-esteem and social skills.
- Permissive parenting, on the other hand, involves nurturing, lenient parents who impose few rules, which can lead to children lacking self-control and poorer academic performance.
- Authoritative parenting is a balanced approach that combines high expectations with warmth and support, encouraging independence and autonomy. Studies have shown that children raised in this environment tend to excel academically and socially.
- Neglectful parenting is the most detrimental style; neglectful parents are emotionally disengaged and provide little guidance. Children from such households face severe consequences, including increased risks of mental health issues.
- Overprotective or helicopter parenting, at the other end of the spectrum, can stifle independence. A study found that overprotective parenting leads to reduced self-confidence and self-efficacy in children.
Parents should encourage independence, decision-making, and problem-solving in a manner that is developmentally appropriate, keeping in mind that each child progresses at their own pace. Children flourish best within secure relationships and learn through social interactions, diverse experiences, and play, which develops their self-regulation, language skills, and social abilities.
Many parents today strive for an authoritative and balanced parenting style, encouraging exploration within established boundaries. Though it often seems difficult, the objective is not to be a perfect parent, but to consistently show up for your children with love, dedication, and a commitment to learning and growth.
The Role of Effective Communication
Effective communication lies at the heart of positive and mindful parenting. Psychologists assert that the way parents communicate profoundly shapes their child's mindset. From responding to infants' cues to engaging teenagers in meaningful dialogue, communication shapes a child's mindset, nurturing resilience, empathy, and confidence.
His Holiness, in his sermon, compared balanced and communicative parenting with preserving the Quran through hifz (memorisation and revision). Just as Quranic memorisation requires diligent commitment and self-evaluation to remain engrained in one’s mind, parents must also invest time and effort into connecting with their children and maintaining their relationship through meaningful dialogue. By engaging intellectually and emotionally, parents can aid their child’s cognitive, emotional, and social well-being and growth, and guide their children toward a path of understanding, virtue and wisdom.
Clarity in communication is essential. For children to accept their parents' guidance, they must be given the opportunity to understand the messages being conveyed. When parents logically and coherently articulate their expectations and values, children are more likely to grasp and internalise them.
Similarly, contingent communication refers to the ability of parents to recognize and interpret their child's cues and respond promptly and appropriately. This kind of interaction is fundamental in building a trusting relationship, as it demonstrates that the parent is attuned to the child's needs. By being present and listening to their children, parents create an environment where children feel secure and valued. This responsiveness cultivates trust, love, and a sense of safety, all of which are essential for healthy emotional and psychological development. By being attuned to their children's needs, articulating their messages clearly, and encouraging open dialogue, parents create a nurturing environment where children can thrive.
As we strive to raise the next generation, Dawoodi Bohras draw inspiration from the teachings of the Quran and the example of the Prophet. By engaging with our children with intention and love, we can help them become compassionate, resilient individuals who embody the values of their faith, contributing to a brighter future for all.
Read more about a community member's experience of motherhood in the 21st century by clicking on this link.
